Its getting harder

To not write. I need some kind of outlet, but I just really feel like the internet is not an appropriate place to get all mushy and personal. Besides which, I am an outrageously private person. I hate actually telling people about myself. I talk about myself all the time, but if you really listen you will realize I'm not telling you anything. I hate crying in public. I think it is such a drama queen pursuit. Every time I see someone crying in public I always think, "who the fuck cares about your problems? Not that bum over there. He is still gonna ask you for money."

I have cried in public 3 times in the last 4 days. It is so embarrassing. And it is the kind of crying where once it starts I can NOT stop it. I just sob. Its like someone opened a long-closed, rusted over flood gate.

Things are hard for me right now. I can't really explain why except to say that they just are. It seems like everything should be peachy. I just got married, I don't work, I have time to work on my degree. Everything is not peachy. Things are NOT OKAY.

No one gets it unless they have actually been there. There is no explanation. It is just dark. And very very lonely. Everyone else looks at you like you are a whiner. Buck it up. GET OVER IT.

I would if I could. Oh! I wish I could.

I'm already super medicated. Whats next?

Today I was walking to class. I always walk with my head down, staring at my feet. I don't know why, it just seems conducive to thinking. It makes it easier to block out the world. I must have looked sad, because a man walking the other way stopped and said "cheer up, buttercup." It made my day. Sometimes I like people.

Sometimes.

I still can't sleep. Fuck it. I'll just watch movies all night. Its my favorite thing anyway.