Another Friday night/Everything's coming up Roz

I'm stuck at home. I want to go out, but Ems is busy. I get super shy when I am on my own.

It is a common misconception that I am not shy. I am actually painfully shy. I just happen to be super friendly. If someone comes and talks to me I am perfectly happy to sit and have a conversation with them. I almost never instigate conversation with anyone. But I am so fascinated with people that when given the opportunity to learn more about someone I jump at it. When I am alone I tend to curl up in the corner and watch people. I am not one to get out in the middle of a crowd and draw attention. I can really only do that if I am surrounded by people I feel comfortable with.

I even have trouble talking to people I know sometimes. Today I bumped into the sister of a friend of mine. Rather than stopping to have a friendly chat, I just gave a shy wave and walked into Target alone.

Even people that I used to be close to. An old friend of mine works downtown and I bump into him on occasion. I should be able to just walk right up and say "hi," but usually I just avert my eyes and smile weakly.

I am getting shyer as I get older. It is funny that as I become more comfortable with who I am as an individual, I have become considerably less comfortable with who I am in the world. I always felt a little awkward anyway. I never really fit into a cohesive group. I have a few very close friends, but we never comprised a larger unit. Usually, in a party situations or out with larger groups of people, I just sit and listen. I normally only know one or two of the people I am with anyway. Emily is really good at knowing and being friendly with everybody. I usually let her take the lead, while I sit and smile.

I keep thinking I should just man up and be more assertive with new people, but the truth is that I am pretty content with my friends. Its not that I would mind having more. Maybe it is a self esteem thing. I always think people don't like me. That is a stupid thing to think, I know. Most people don't know enough about me to dislike me. And in general, I am pretty likable.

I tend to be harshly judgmental of people. BUT, everyone gets a second chance with me. I know I am judgmental, and it wouldn't be fair to write someone off after one meeting. If you blow your second chance, I am done with you.

Whatevs. People are interesting, even if they kinda suck.

Also, I'm not being snobby, I'm just being timid. So don't write me off either.

In other news: today would have been Rosalind Russell's 103rd birthday. Lets hear it for proto-feminism and Irish Catholic spunk!

Everything's coming up Roz!