So I got a little dark...

Sorry about that last post. I was trying to be poetic. I think I was just being whiny.

But it goes to the heart of something that has been bothering me lately.

I have had a hard time adjusting to marriage. It isn't lack of love. Quite the opposite. I have always been a very independent person. The idea of being someone's wife, though novel, is difficult. I am no longer independent. I am one part of a whole.

Whats more, I tend to be quite solitary. I like to be alone. It is an interesting dichotomy that I should also be very outgoing.

My real problem is one of anxiety.

I have perennially bad taste in men. I always chose the wrong person. Drug addicts, drunks, abusers, and men who were just plain mean. When I met Cass he seemed so different. And he is. But I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't settle down. It seems inconceivable to me that I should actually pick someone who is good for me. And good to me.

I also struggle with the age old good wife vs. feminist debate. If I clean his clothes and make his lunches does that make me a good wife? If I don't, am I being a strong woman? I ask myself these questions everyday. I never ever wanted to be a stay at home wife or mother. Ever. I always wanted to work. Housekeeping is not my forte. I don't want it to be.

I can't even iron for Christ's sake!

I suppose that these issues are typical of newlyweds, particularly women. In the last 50 years women have managed to challenge an archetype which had held fast for millennia; Woman as homemaker. The unfortunate side effect has been a generation of women who are unable to make up their minds. Will they become their grandmothers, raising children and cooking meals? Or will they take their mothers route, gain self acceptance and utility in the workplace, but leave children to nannies and sitters?

There is no right answer. And thats why I sit up at night, blogging.