Thick as a Brick

I have been listening to way too much Jethro Tull lately. Its really the only CD I keep in my car.

Really don't mind if you sit this one out

My words but a whisper, your deafness a shout

I may make you feel but I can't make you think

Your sperm's in the gutter, your love's in the sink

I am really discouraged with everything right now. School, myself, humanity. Maybe I am just feeling down so I am noticing it more, but people are ass holes. Try walking around the rec center someday, you'll see what I mean. And I can't believe that people who are waaaaaaay dumber than I am are totally getting into good grad schools and not failing classes. I had someone in one of my history classes ask what a primary source is. YOU ARE A HISTORY MAJOR.

So you ride yourselves over the fields

And you make all your animal deals

And your wise men don't know how it feels

to be thick as a brick

I wish I could leave school again. Not really, because I am so close. But this is getting really hard. And I am worried that I wont get into grad school. What am I going to do with a BA in history? I always want to run away when things get hard. Its kind of my MO. I never want to see things through to the end. But when I do I feel really great about it. Usually I am not the one who did it though. There is a network of people behind me who push me to get shit done. I wonder what I would be like on my own.

And the sand-castle virtues are all swept away

in the tidal destruction, the moral melee

the elastic retreat rings the close of play

as the last wave uncovers the new fangled way

I feel like nothing I am doing is working. I am in one of those frustrating positions where I try and try but nothing changes. So what is the point in trying? Everything good I do seems to blow up in my face. I can't please everybody, but I should be able to please somebody, right?

But your new shoes are worn at the heels

and your suntans rapidly peel

and your wise men don't know how it feels

to be thick as a brick

I don't feel comfortable anywhere anymore. I always sit in front of the Wilko market. It is the perfect spot to sit and watch people. It has wifi, you can smoke, and no one really cares if you eat food not from Wilko market there. Well, at least they don't care if I do it. I can sit there for hours doing homework and watching people go by. But now I don't feel comfortable there anymore. This guy I used to know works there, and feels the need to sit out there too. Its awkward if we talk to each other, and its even awkwarder if we sit there and pretend not to notice the other one. Gross. Anyway, since he works there I now feel like I am impeding on his territory, even though I totally started sitting there first. Dibs all the way. I have to find a new place to sit :(

And the love that I feel

Is so far away

I'm a bad dream that I just had today

and you shake your head

and say its a shame

I miss being young. I feel like I didn't have to try so hard to be happy. This is probably a lie in nostalgia because things must have sucked a little bit at 17. But now it feels like a goddamn effort anytime I want to have some fun. I have to worry about where I should be and what I am doing and who it affects. Its easier to just stay home and blog...

Spin me back down the years

and the days of my youth

draw the lace and black curtains

and shut out the whole truth

Spin me down the long ages

let them sing the song