Pigeon warfare.

Do pigeons mate for life?? Because these two are not leaving.

For two years there have been two pigeons living on my screened in porch. They have managed to encamp themselves behind the chicken wire that was supposed to keep them out. Now it just protects them. They have built themselves a double-wide nest. I'm not kidding. It is two nests joined in the middle. One of them is huge. I call him Kahuna. No bullshit, this is a 15lb pigeon, easy.

This presents a problem for me on two levels.

1. I hate birds. I have gotten used to Pigeon 1 and Pigeon 2, but that doesn't mean I like them.

2. Birds hate me. Every time I go outside to let the dog out, or have a cigarette, or just enjoy the afternoon, these two lose their shit. Whoooooooooo, Whoooooooooooooooo, Whoooooooooooooooooooo. Annoying.

This morning I went outside to let the dog out and to my horror I found something I hate more than birds. A cockroach. It was flipped upside down and it looked dead. I still avoided it. All of a sudden it's creepy little legs began to twitch in a futile attempt to flip itself back over. I let out a yelp and ran to the other side of the porch. It still hasn't righted itself.

Now, finding roaches on the porch isn't a rare occurrence in the summer. But, to my knowledge, roaches don't just flip over arbitrarily. A theory began to form in my head. How did said roach get upside down on my porch??

AHA!! PIGEONS!!!!

I have decided that the pigeons have discovered my fear and are mounting an attack in order to keep me away from the porch. It is cunning and masterful. They will pick up and drop large, creepy bugs, until I am forced to smoke out front.

Touche, pigeons, touche.

It sounds crazy, I know. But just crazy enough to work...